Look - have you tried writing every day?  Shit is hard BELIEVE THAT.  Well, maybe not for you, aggressive reader...not for you.

ANYWAY, I am still considering this Wednesday's post, even if it is technically Thursday - the internet was down, so I couldn't post (for those of you that, like me, are pricks about usage rules, I am preemptively defending my capitalization choice here.  Since I am referring to 'internet' as 'internet service', it remains uncapitalized.  If the entire worldwide connected network of computers comprising the 'Internet' were down, then I would have capitalized it, and through my capitalization, you would have realized that SOME REAL SHIT HAD GONE DOWN).

And thank god the Internet had not gone down eh?  For then you would have missed out on my latest bile-filled entry re: The Best of Good Clean Jokes by our favorite house misogynist, Bob Phillips.

Today's sample jokes:

Backseat Driver
"Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

Ha ha holy shit, that is funny.  Who can't relate to this?  We've all been stuck trying to navigate our way to the nearest Wal-Mart while our horrible shrew of a wife barks (obviously asinine) directions at us.  This is the male condition, and I find at least three solid chuckles in this joke.  Possibly a guffaw.

Deaf
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Jones, but we left your wife behind in Chicago.
Man: Thank goodness! For a moment there I thought I was going deaf!

Is there...is there something you want to tell us, Mr. Philips?

Germs
Husband: Don't put that money in your mouth.  There are germs on it.
Wife: Don't be silly.  Even a germ can't live on the money you earn.

Oh good Christ.  Is there anyone, in the history of literacy, who has read this joke and thought it was funny?  I mean, I appreciate Bob's half-assed attempt to pander to the female sex with this pathetic "joke" (wait, I don't appreciate it at all!  I'm a filthy liar.)  

So many things wrong - first of all, the premise is as daft as any porno movie: why the fuck would a grown-ass (non-stripper) woman be putting money in her mouth?   Second of all, it's just mean.  Besides just reinforcing shitty stereotypes as the man as breadwinner and the woman as nagging bitch, it also doesn't have the teasing tone of similar hetero-normative shit like Everyone Loves Raymond.  It's just bitter as day-old coffee and half as humorous.

Well kids, that's all I can take of Bob Philip's closet hatred for his wife today.  I think I'll go curse in the darkness for a while, that always cheers me up!