My sister just had a baby (her first), so in honour of that occasion, here is the text message conversation between me and my sister the night before the baby was born (all true, and I have the messages still on my phone for proof):

Me: Are you nervous for tomorrow?

Sister: no big deal.  Yes i am nervous for tomorrow.  [a friend] bought me an Mp3 Player so i need to find soothing music and pod cast

Sister: [same friend] has been learning the adobe Flash Program to make apps.  He also bought Material to make a green screen

Me: Excellent?

Sister: I think so.  It will be fun to subject [her son] to silly videos on you tube of himself

Me: Mom made "dinner"

Me: [our stepdad]: "What kind of music is child-bearing music?" Mom: "When [the baby] gets here...he will have...vibrating chair" (laughs)

[Editors note: Our mother is clinically insane, which provides hours of guilt-free comedy for my sister and me.]

Sister: She's Fixated On that.  Its her favorite topic right now

Me: You got her addicted to pistachios.

Sister: Of course.  I bought a bag for [our stepdad] and it turns into me causing another addiction for her.  Love it.

Sister: What is for dinner?

Me: Some gross-ass stir fry.  I will be sick.

Sister: Its good fer the pooPer.  Thats what we say in my house

Me: When should I come over to hospital?

Sister: I'm not sure about the hospital.  I don't know when they allow visitors but [her husband] will call you tomorrow after everything starts.

[30 minutes later]
 
Sister: Did you die from Mom's cooking?  Did you get the video I sent you?

Me: I got the video, but can't watch it yet, because it would distract [our stepdad] from his show.

Me: It's good comedy to listen to [our stepdad] and Mom have a conversation; neither of them slightly listen to each other.

Me: [our stepdad]: "What I don't understand is if all the dinosaurs died in this cataclystic event, shouldn't all their remains be in one layer of the Earth?"

Sister: Something we have all thought about.  Hope he finds the answer

Me: Mom: "I saw a show...the...little dinosaurs...died first".  [our stepdad]: "I wish these shows wouldn't contradict each other" (laughs)

Me: Mom: "The phosphate...layer...the little dinosaurs...the big ones...died first" [stepdad]: "One of these idiots needs to put all these pieces together"

Sister: [stepdad] needs to get high.  Dinosaurs aren't real.  Just a ploy to get us in museums and buy stuff

Me: [mimicking our Mom, who turns every conversation into an extended and completely fictional obituary of her father] Grandad used to have a full T-Rex skeleton...he used to find dinosaur...he loved science...he would take Mom along.

Sister: plaster can work wonders

Me: Plaster is bullshit...just a plot to get us into art museums to buy stuff.

Sister: I'm so flipy bored

Me: You could file an unemployment claim BUCKETS OF FUN

Sister: i'll do that now

Me: Then: Power Yoga.  Then: Coloring book.  Then: Make chili.

Me: The water broke at the house MAYBE THAT'S A SIGN

Sister: Senor bubbles Welcomes all

[Editors note: Senor Bubbles is the name of a laundromat in her hometown, and this is the slogan on their sign]

Me: It's not too late to name your son Senor Bubbles.

Me: Mom wants to send you a pic.  She says "Size 10...not like...size 4...even that..."

Sister: That makes perfect sense.

Sister: [her husband] just found a new game for the Wii.  He's in a trance.  Its a shoot em up flying game.  He's been playing for three hours

Me: Maybe I come over there tonight?

Sister: you are always welcome.  the game is called blazing angels.

Sister: Babylon is falling

Me: That's because they won't accept that collie-mon is the healing of the nation.

Sister: Have you heard steel pulse's ku Klux klan

Me: No - but I should? How much longer are you guys going to be up for?

Sister: I haven't been sleeping.  Craig will probably go to bed around 1130

Sister: We're hoping the baby will be here tomorrow.

Me: [my sister's friend] says if you were an animal, you would be a 'mama bear'

Sister: she is gay.  I would be a pot-belly pig or an elephant

Me: I would have said you were a 'coke hound'.

Sister: Beautfiul.  Is this some face book nonsense

Me: No doubt - do try and keep up.  Side note: you are missing some truly awful family time.

Sister: Are you staying there tonight?

Me: Yeah, mom needs the car for tomorrow for...she..I need to see if...INFECTION...if it wasn't because I had such a good relationship...(laughs)...not that...

Me: [continuing to transcribe our mother]: YEAH BUT HER HUSBAND PASSED AWAY...but she should have got rid of the horses...its a huge house!  Its only five acres...because...a cousin...or a niece...or a realtor...210 for it.  Yeah.  7 of it.  That's what the county told me...except [my sister and her husband]...my daughter would never move into a wetlands...

Sister: Take a hammer to her head

Me: [our stepdad] stopped her at this point, told her she wasn't making any sense, and she stormed off to bed.

Me: Now you will get [our stepdad's] running commentary

Sister: i think my insides are rotting.  My farts smell so bad

Me: [transcript of my stepdad] There were TWO fouls on that play that they didn't call - THAT'S BULLSHIT! TWO FOULS.

Me: [continuing the transcription] I guess I'm glad I didn't mow the lawn...its going to brown tomorrow (laughs).  Wow!  You know its cold when the Iowa cheerleaders are wearing coats (laughs).  HE WAS STILL OFFSIDES!

Me: Just having [our stepdad] here is awesome.

Sister: [she is watching The Biggest Loser]: One of these fatties Weighs more than me.  He's 545 pounds.

Sister: Ok. I'm going to Yankee candle tomorrow with my ten dollar off coupon. If my son is not born with asthma it is my mission to induce a Respiratory Disease.

Sister: This guys lost thirty pounds in one week! I hope I have results like that

Me: If not, you better get one of those scooters for your trips to Bealls Outlet.

Sister: It would have to be custom built for my weight limit. bob x model 

[Editors note: Bob X is our new-born cousin, who is very fat. This is a constant source of jokes for our family.]

Me: The Bob X model is a forklift.

[Editors note: As you can see from this exchange, my sister and I are filled with the sensitivity and grace that one normally associates with the royal family.  As you can then deduce, we are a family of high prominence, hence the exclusion of any names (except for Bob X's, who, due to his size, is already well known to the scientific community)]