Often times when I go into public restrooms, I find that someone has left behind some Jesus-themed literature (this happens more often in the South than in the Northeast, AND THUS THE CIRCLE OF STEREOTYPES CONTINUES).  I usually flip through it to see if it's one I already have, and if it's not, I pocket it for later perusal.

So far, I have not given over my life to ALL POWERFUL JESUS, despite these pamphlet's various ways of enticing me into His Warm and Terrifying Embrace.   Some use badly drawn, yet still frightening images of demons (perhaps made moreso because of the artist's obvious mental problems), along with appallingly poor English, to try to convince me of the error of my Heathen ways.  Yet others will use everyday situations that a person from 1950 might find himself in, along with appallingly bad English, to try to gently assure me that I am certainly going to Burn In A Lake Of Fire For All Eternity.

Sadly, my collection of these glorious testaments to mankind's descent into imbecility has been lost.   No doubt confiscated by the Mormons, who are always taking my things.

Luckily, I visited the South last month, and have brought back one of these artifacts of Madness.  I would eventually like to examine and discuss the entire thing, but at 2:45 AM on a Friday night, strung out on speed and gasoline vapours, the idea of turning my mind over to these raving lunatics for more than a page seems a sure way to break my already brittle psyche.

One page will have to do for now, Aggressive Readers. 

 

Ah, but what a page it is!  Try not to look too closely, rather, step back and see if you can feel God's Love emanating from your monitor.  Do you feel that?  Yeah, that's cancer.  GOTCHA!  Anyway, without spoiling the Where's Waldo like fun of trying to determine EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE, I will sum up the message: At the End of Times, people will act very badly.  Theoretically we can see this in the scene depicted, which judging from the styles of dress and haircut, seems to take place in a 1920's speakeasy-wharf bar.

FDP's Abso-Favorite Things Of All Time About This Picture:



1.  The woman saying "Stop it! My husband is watching us!": Here is a fun game.  Find anyone in this picture who is looking at that couple.  Which honestly, isn't as odd as the fact that some of the people aren't watching the two dudes fighting with blades that can only be described as 'short swords'.




2.  The guy proclaiming that he will "bet on the little man!": First of all, why?  Does he have some insider info - why would the little guy ever win?  Also, which one is the little guy?



3.  The out-of-place monogamous couple against the back wall: You did notice they are both dudes, right?  Apparently, regardless of the fact that they are very close, and saying sweet things to each other, they are an example of evil.  I think they are supposed to be an example of men who are "lovers of their own selves", which frankly fills me relief, as the first time I read this, I thought for sure God meant me.



4.  The amiable drunk, shouting "I have the power...Lucifer is lord!":  One has to assume he said the first part in his best He-Man voice.  Honestly, this man is either modeled after me, or is someone I need to make friends with.  "I have the power...Lucifer is lord!" has immediately become one of my top giggle-inducing phrases.  Although if one of my companions responded with:
 


"Yes, and we are bringing peace with a one world government - a New Age", I would need an extra word balloon to go underneath, for my response of, "Uhh....yeah...do you have to say that every time?"




5.  This guy:  This freak is going to hell for his French waiter mustache alone.  Also, "Let's go give him the business"? This owl is all wet - he needs the bum's rush from this gin mill!  Haw haw haw.

So what did we learn, eh?  Because these exercises are not for comedy (obviously)...no, they are to Teach...and the lesson for tonight is that Today's conditions are "the same as it was in the days of Noah"...which according to my cursory investigation was around 2300 BC.  Hmmm...well, I don't want to be the first to say it...but bars back then were kinda...badass.

So sign me up for that time travel test trial, holmes.  I KNOW NOW WHAT I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO.