It is part and parcel of working for a prestigious publication such as FDP, that our writers are called upon, on certain occasions, to speak to large groups of people, whether in the form of graduating seniors, political supporters, or grand juries. Recently, our top writer, bobkerolls, was asked back to his alma mater to give the commencement address. We here at freedonkeyposter.com are honoured to provide you the public with a transcription of his speech. Good morning! Thank you Devry class of 2009! I'm profoundly grateful and touched by the great distinction and honor and great compliment accorded me by the authorities of Devry this morning. I'm overwhelmed, as a matter of fact, and I'm rather fearful of my inability to maintain such a high rating as you've been generous enough to accord to me. In this Comfort Suites, in this conference room, it is a tremendously impressive thing to an individual in my position. But to speak more directly, I need not tell you, guys and broads, that the world situation is very serious. That must be apparent to all intelligent people, and to us as well. I think one difficulty is that the problem is one of such enormous complexity that the very mass of facts presented to the public by the liberal media make it exceedingly difficult for the man in the street to reach a clear appraisement of the situation. Furthermore, the people of this country are distant from the troubled areas of our mobile-home parks and it is hard for them to comprehend the plight and consequent reactions of the long-suffering peoples, and the effect of those reactions on their driveways and windows when those problems finally come home to roost. In considering the rehabilitation of our most famous celebrities, the visible destruction of chicken-wing-serving food establishments, bikini car washes, utilities, railroads, and community chests, it has become obvious during recent months that this annihilation was probably less serious than the dislocation of my right arm in the fall of '08. As many of you are aware, after graduation I made it my life's goal to modify my hard-top Mazda 6 into a convertible. For the past 10 years I have been placed in the unfortunate position of having to drive my vehicle without the unique sensation of having my flow dance in the artificial breeze created by having the top down when cruising County Road 20. The elaborate preparation that goes into my morning hair-care had gone unappreciated too long, my locks locked-up, not free to bring delight to babes and envy to their paramours. This state of affairs had left me visibly depressed, and my work suffered as a result, leading me to my present unemployed condition. Under the arbitrary and destructive rules of the Professor Octopus Car Wash, virtually every possible lapse in concentration was recorded and eventually brought to bear in the termination case presented to me. Long-standing professional ties, private knowledge, bribery, threats, and eventually physical violence were all summarily dismissed as reasonable defences. In many ways, my confidence in the American Way of Life was shaken and I briefly considered moving to North Point Park and living the life of an ascetic, sustaining myself from whatever hot dogs and Schlitz I could forage. The breakdown of my life was complete. My recovery has since been biblical, as I have risen quite triumphantly from the spiritually dead to not only recover what was rightfully mine, but to surpass even the lofty goals I had once set for myself. But even a brief discussion of the trials and victories of my life will require a much longer time and greater effort than had been foreseen. This is not the venue for those musings. Instead, let me expound upon the profound consequences of the professions bestowed by our chosen mater (if not alma, at least insumptuosus). The TV/VCR repair-person has always produced the services to exchange with the yuppie for the cheese-encrusted necessities of life. This division of labor is the basis of modern civilization. At the present time it is threatened with breakdown. The machinery of our cities are not producing adequate goods upon which we might apply our trade. To be blunt, there are fewer CRT TVs and Video Cassette Recorders in use than there used to be. To be more blunt, we don't have any work. So the sale of our services for money which we could use for Natural Ice and Mountain Dew and Cheez-Its has deserted us. Many of us, therefore, have withdrawn from our adopted fields and have instead settled into a life of roof repair, a plebeian undertaking if ever there was. We may feed our family an ample supply of food, however short that may leave us in self-regard. Meanwhile, people in the cities find their TVs failing, and their VCRs inoperable. So the former customers of ours are forced to use their (almost assuredly inherited) money and credit to procure these new 'flat-screens' and 'DVD-players' - devices for which no 6-week program exists that could teach an honest man its inner workings. This process is a vicious cycle, that exhausts the best minds of our class, all of whom have spent many a crank-fueled night debating upon the existence of a solution. Thus a very serious situation is rapidly developing which bodes no good for the world. The modern system of the division of labor upon which the exchange of services for products is based is in danger of breaking down. The truth of the matter is that America's requirements for the next three or four years will be of more advanced technology, rather than less. Other electronic products - principally of a television and movie viewing assistance nature - are already visible on the horizon. I speak of abominations such as the LCD TV and the Blu-ray player. But think not that this is a tale wholly of gloom - I have spent the last twelve days awake smoking meth and pondering this question and can now bring to you the enlightenment that was bestowed upon me this very dawn. The remedy lies in breaking the vicious circle and restoring the confidence of the American people in both CRT TVs and in VCRs. The manufacturers of these essentials and the people of this room must be able and willing to embark upon a strange and quite possibly dangerous journey, one from which no assurance of return can be given. Aside from the particulars of how our bold plan will be carried out and the various possibilities of incarceration arising as a result of the desperate plan I am about to put forth, the logic of this undertaking should be apparent to all. It is reasonable that hard-working, hippie-fearing hillbillies such as ourselves should do whatever we are able to do to return to normal economic circumstances. This must happen, for without there can be no stability, no peace, and no stopping the crawling nightmares that frighten me from the very thought of sleep. Our actions are not to disrupt the lives of regular Americans such as ourselves, but rather to revive the once working economy in which one man might seek the assistance of another man when TV/VCR related emergencies did arise. Such assistance, I am convinced, must not be on a piecemeal basis but upon a wholesale level, the sheer abundance of these instances a deluge upon which our empire will be built. Any assistance that our Federation does bestow must become an essential a service as that of a toll-booth worker, as ubiquitous as the mailman, and has expensive as a doctor's. Any alumni that is willing to abet in the task of recovery will find full co-operation I am sure, from our confederates from ITT Tech and the University of Phoenix . Any parties that maneuver to block the recovery of our God-given cash cannot expect help from us. Furthermore, governments, political parties, or groups which seek to perpetuate the myth of the eternal escalation of technology in order to profit therefrom politically or otherwise will encounter the opposition of our Brotherhood. It is already evident that, before we can embark upon this course, there must be some agreement among the people represented in this room before the headfirst onrush of this bright new era. It would be neither fitting nor efficacious for me to undertake to draw up unilaterally a program designed to place your graduating class on its feet economically. This is the business of politicians, I believe, and pussies. The initiative, I think, must come from all of us. The role of this assembly must be the drafting of a battle plan and later, drinking as much of this free liquor as it might be practical for us to do so. The program should be a joint one, agreed to by at least three or four of us, if not all. An essential part of any successful action begins with an understanding of the character of the problem and the remedies to be applied. Political activism and calm discussion should have no part. With sufficient weaponry, and a willingness on the part of our people to face up to the vast quantities of police-persons that will clearly be placed in our way, the difficulties I have outlined can and will be overcome. I am sorry that on this allegedly joyous occasion I have said something publicly in regard to our dire situation, and that I've been forced by the necessities of the case to enter into rather moribund discussions. But to my mind, it is of vast importance that our people reach some general understanding of what the complications really are, then react from a passion or a prejudice or an emotion of the moment. As I said more formally a moment ago, we need to get drunk and burn shit down. It is virtually impossible at this distance merely by reading, or listening, or even attempting to watch every titty-flick ever made, to grasp at all the real significance of the situation. And yet the whole world of the future hangs on a proper judgment. It hangs, I think, to a large extent on the realization of the American people as to whether they would rather watch Raiders of the Lost Arc on a VCR, alive, or to be left in a slowly spreading pool of blood only to be found months later by a policeman after a neighbor complains of the smell, lying next to their precious plasma screen and HD copy of Pan's Labyrinth. What do you think the people will decide? Are our actions justified? What is human suffering when compared to our needs? What is needed? What can of beer is lying over there? Where do you get water in a place like this? Is anyone else's skin itchy? Does anyone else's skin feel like it's driving razor blades into their bones? Thank you very much.