The Scene: ThePrincess Bride, right at the very end. Wesley, Buttercup, and Inigo have just tied up Count Humperdink (SPOILER ALERT) and are now summoned to the window by the voice of Fezzik (Andre the Giant),
:Fezzik: Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? Oh, there you are.
Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they
were, four white horses. And I thought, there are
four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!
So I took them with me, in case ...
People often ask me "How was your day?", to which I reply "Shitty.", or "Mediocre.", or "Get to the point, you old fucker." (if it's my mom).
What I never do is tell them I had a good day. That is because when I was a teenager, I thankfully had a good day defined for me by the poet O'Shea Jackson, better known by his nom de plume Ice Cube.
To make sure that I accurately describe my day in these instances, I keep a running diary, then fill out a homemade checklist in the evening. Depending on ... Continue reading ...
So one of the in-flight magazines, I forget which one, had a regular feature called "Tales from seat x" (or some such shit), which would be a short story written by someone else each issue that would take place on a plane, and the entire plot would happen during the flight. The only one I remember was about a guy who befriends a woman, she eventually makes a pass at him, and then he reveals that he is actually the brother of her fiancé and this was all a trick to test her faithfulness THE E...
Between shifts of sending out free donkey posters to the lucky inhabitants of this planet, we here at FDP sub-headquarters (East Coast) occasionally take drugs. It was during one of these monotonous drug-binges that we asked bobkerolls, our senior street correspondent, to provide a one or two sentence description of each drug he had consumed. This is purely for recreational and educational purposes so that the children, convicted Mormons, and other non-drug users will understand the drug-us... Continue reading ...
Posted by bobkerolls on Monday, February 22, 2010,
By 11 PM we had divested ourselves of the clucking nightmare that is thirty drunk Worcester girls. Sent back to their party bus by impatient bouncers explaining that their drunk was too drunk, we could still hear their shrill, accented curses echoing off the walls of the Alley.
The brief but cold wait in line helped reset overclocked nerves, and I was soon ordering a Stella in the Liquor Store's airlock lobby, an artificial and necessary calm before the storm. A Stella because the Liquor Sto... Continue reading ...
Posted by bobkerolls on Tuesday, February 16, 2010,
We here at FDP value your romance. That is why we have waited until after the Day of Valentine's to produce our nearly yearly Pre-First Annual Valentine's Day Special (now with more bonus fruit).
Realizing, as we all did, the momentousness of the situation, the FDP writer's room was very quiet today, as all one of our writers thought extra fucking hard about how to express all the love that we feel for you cocksuckers. And then it hit us like a ghost sliding through gauze - Clarence Carter!
Posted by bobkerolls on Tuesday, February 9, 2010,
I received one of THOSE emails recently:
brohammer27
Best regards!
This mail may be a surprise to you because you did not give me the permission to do so and neither do you know me but before I tell you about myself I want you to please forgive me for sending this mail without your permission. I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the will of God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly. I nee...
Posted by bobkerolls on Saturday, February 6, 2010,
Often times when I go into public restrooms, I find that someone has left behind some Jesus-themed literature (this happens more often in the South than in the Northeast, AND THUS THE CIRCLE OF STEREOTYPES CONTINUES). I usually flip through it to see if it's one I already have, and if it's not, I pocket it for later perusal.
So far, I have not given over my life to ALL POWERFUL JESUS, despite these pamphlet's various ways of enticing me into His Warm and Terrifying Embrace. Some use badly d...
For those of you who need some explanation, Google Voice is a service (offered by Google...or did you know that already?) that will, among other things, transcribe your voicemail. And not only is it free, but it doesn't work for shit! Actually, it is still in beta and available by invite only (I have a few, if anyone is interested), so to be fair, it is still being improved.
Doubtlessly it will become as finely-tuned as all Google products, so I am not making fun of the concept, but rather ... Continue reading ...
Posted by bobkerolls on Thursday, February 4, 2010,
Look - have you tried writing every day? Shit is hard BELIEVE THAT. Well, maybe not for you, aggressive reader...not for you.
ANYWAY, I am still considering this Wednesday's post, even if it is technically Thursday - the internet was down, so I couldn't post (for those of you that, like me, are pricks about usage rules, I am preemptively defending my capitalization choice here. Since I am referring to 'internet' as 'internet service', it remains uncapitalized. If the entire worldwide conne... Continue reading ...
Posted by bobkerolls on Tuesday, February 2, 2010,
Continuing on our recent theme...
So look, I just got back from central Florida, and the radio waves there are filled with the sort of disposable hip-hop that one would normally avoid (because listening to too much will give you ear syphillis). That is the only reason why I've heard the song I've picked today.
You know what, why am I making excuses for you (two) people? Bunch a damn haters, man. Anyway, I present for your listening displeasure Say Aah by Trey Songz (featuring Fabolous) [n... Continue reading ...
Continuing on from last week's post, we shall now examine a point of interest that I have been pondering for some time: what exactly, is Sean Paul's temperature that he references his (aptly named) song Temperature?
(note: I had to use this video for copyright reasons, but the official video has infinitely more boobies)
The most telling lyric from this song is first heard at the :21 mark "I got the right temperature for shelter you from the storm". From this lyric, we can begin to extract... Continue reading ...
It was bound to happen sooner or later...some hopped-up drunk of an editor published something of mine in a print publication...the link can be found here, the article on page 25...all of our once proud institutions are being degraded.
If by chance, you find yourself coming to this site by chance from that article, welcome!, and enjoy the new daily update status...ignore the strange feeling of vertigo about reading a post referencing you back to your original reference point...can't be helped...
Posted by bobkerolls on Wednesday, January 27, 2010,
In an effort to provide you, the Public, with more value for your dollar, FreeDonkeyPoster.com will move now to a daily schedule...that is correct - new content EVERY GODDAMN DAY.
Now, writing for me is a laborious process, and since I am busy -you know with my heavy tea-drinking and day-dreaming schedule, some of the posts on this site will be filler...but you should love it no less.
Think of these posts as one of your children - the one you secretly like less than the others, but you would ne... Continue reading ...
Posted by bobkerolls on Saturday, January 23, 2010,
It is part and parcel of working for a prestigious publication such as FDP, that our writers are called upon, on certain occasions, to speak to large groups of people, whether in the form of graduating seniors, political supporters, or grand juries.
Recently, our top writer, bobkerolls, was asked back to his alma mater to give the commencement address. We here at freedonkeyposter.com are honoured to provide you the public with a transcription of his speech.
Good morning! Thank you Devry cl... Continue reading ...
My sister just had a baby (her first), so in honour of that occasion, here is the text message conversation between me and my sister the night before the baby was born (all true, and I have the messages still on my phone for proof):
Me: Are you nervous for tomorrow?
Sister: no big deal. Yes i am nervous for tomorrow. [a friend] bought me an Mp3 Player so i need to find soothing music and pod cast
Sister: [same friend] has been learning the adobe Flash Program to make apps. He also bought Mate... Continue reading ...
It dawns on us here at FDP HQ that many of our readers are complete losers (don't look around the room, we're talking to you), and so may be in need of some relationship-advice services. And since the service industry is going absolutely B-A-N-A-N-A-S right now, this seems like a profitable venture for the ol' Eff Dee Pee.
So with that introduction, please allow one of our most esteemed writers, bobkerolls, to take the e-floor.
Thank you. Many of you reading this are asking, "But bobkerolls, ... Continue reading ...
ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD: I have saved you the trouble of hiring an expensive (and talented) writing team, by preparing THE MOVIE VERSION OF THIS SITE.
Prepare your chair for the pants-shitting excitement (that's what you guys do when you get excited, right? Don't tell me I'm alone in this, Hollywood) of Free Donkey Poster: The Movie: Rise of the Predator: The Movie. This can be shortened to Ghost 2 if you want to make money. Whatever, it's your choice, Hollywood, I'm not here to tell you how to... Continue reading ...
Posted by bobkerolls on Wednesday, December 30, 2009,
These are some lights we saw on Christmas Eve. My brother-in-law remarked that the green lights looked like Santa giving his reindeer the dreaded golden (emerald) shower, and the red lights looked like the reindeer retaliatorily "vagina-ing" on Santa ("vagina-ing" means to "squirt menstrual blood", I was informed). MERRY CHRISTMAS
Posted by bobkerolls on Wednesday, December 23, 2009,
One of the things one is often told about writing is that one should limit the amount of
curse-words one uses, or if possible, eliminate them entirely. This is cunt-shitting bullshit. I can scientifically prove this (USING SCIENCE) by taking a piece of writing that is expressly designed to be effective without using curse-words, and make it immeasurably better by the judicious addition of a few 'fucks', 'shits', and 'piss-artist's.
The book I refer to, of course, is The Best of Good Clean Jo...
Posted by bobkerolls on Wednesday, November 25, 2009,
So a few days ago, I wrote an article on Cracked.com in an attempt to win $50. Right, who wouldn't?
So, I wrote about the one of the few things I know about - LeVar Burton. Unfortunately, LeVar Burton himself saw this article, and may have been upset by some of its content - I can't tell. So just to set the record straight, this is my direct response to him.
Dear Mr. Burton,
As a celebrity, and more to the point, a celebrity who is known for playing wholesome characters, you definitely get a ... Continue reading ...
Posted by Ernest Hemmingwayballs on Thursday, December 25, 2008,
Never let it be said that I am a man without
ambitions! My friends - MY FRIENDS - I have just now today settled on a
'Lifetime Goal' (this is the goal that one must have accomplished to have 'won'
at 'life'.)
ANYWAY - my life's goal is to have people say
the following after I have passed away from this earth (but too soon, eh? Much
too soon..toooo soooon....sorry, back to the point): "He was a man who
used some powerful language'
THIS IS THE GOAL, really for all men, although
many...
Posted by FDP Gold Team on Tuesday, December 16, 2008,
The finest work compiled over the course of the last five years must assuredly be the compositions of the FDP writing team.
This crack block of hard-nosed investigative reporters will stop at nothing to find the news, write flowery prose about the news, and deliver the news to your eDoorstep.
The price you pay? Nothing. THIS MY FRIENDS IS THE JETSONS FUTURE (the best of all possible futures).
Enjoy this bit of wisdom:
Is more very good pay equal more money? The future will be five stops. Y...
Posted by FDP Music Assistant Editor on Saturday, December 13, 2008,
Are we all (and by we, I mean the entire United States of America) ok with the fact that DragonForce is vastly superior to nearly everything available on the market? If we could make a DragonForce/Tom Waits concert happen, how much would you pay? One thousand per ticket? Ten thousand? No price can be put upon this vision of heaven, you say?
In other news, FDP recommends the following bands that have been out for God knows how long, but that we are just now getting around to listening t...
Posted by FPD Regional EIC on Tuesday, December 9, 2008,
Let's start off by reviewing some key facts, courtesy of The Economist's (trademark sign) "Pocket World in Figures 2009 Edition". By the way The Economist and Entertainment Weekly are the official magazines of FDP. The official websites you ask? asofterworld.com and mnftiu.cc. The official soft drinks? Canada Dry brand Ginger Ale, and IBC Root Beer. And Dr. Pepper.
1. USF beating UNC-Greensboro in the round of 16 of the NCAA men's soccer tournament. For whatever reason, the national media has not locked on to this story, so it has become the responsibility of the FDP Sports Desk to discuss the ramifications of the momentous event (as usual).
First of all, this game is meaningless. We all know UNCG is the weak sister of the North Carolina schools, so USF takes no pride in whupping them (in PKs 3-1). What we do k...
Posted by FDP Sports Editor on Wednesday, November 26, 2008,
Y'all need to stop. and wiggle with it -
USF just crushed Harvard 2-1 in collegiate soccer (football for all you
fake-Americans overseas). Let's all stop and ponder on that for awhile -
USF beats Harvard (first ever meeting between the schools). Now, obviously
they are the academic champ. On the other hand, USF has a more
well-rounded program - although their English, Business, Psychology, and
Political Science programs trump USF's, we probably have a better Engineering,
Communication...
Posted by FDP Sports Desk on Sunday, November 23, 2008,
I'm not feeling Tevez. I'm usually a big
supporter of personnel decisions made at the club (unlike 99% of all other
Manchester United fans), and I have spent an inordinate amount of time
defending the likes of Evra, Vidic, Howard (naturally), and Smith. In
this case though, Tevez just doesn't feel right - he doesn't fit into the
system correctly, and he doesn't change the system in the right way (as Ronaldo
did). A player has to do one of those two things. Either hold the
status quo o...
Posted by FDP Announcer-at-large on Saturday, November 22, 2008,
When I was a little bitty baby, my momma used to rock me in the cradle, back them old cotton fields back home. Actually, I do not know if Florida has cotton fields, and I am not interested in looking it up right now. So I propose we amend the song in everyone's memory to "Them old orange groves back home..."
All technical difficulties are being found and eliminated. Fret not.
In other news, the Bruins are in first place in the National Hockey League - I have nothing to add to the national discourse on this event, I apologize. Continue reading ...
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