ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD: I have saved you the trouble of hiring an expensive (and talented) writing team, by preparing THE MOVIE VERSION OF THIS SITE. 

Prepare your chair for the pants-shitting excitement (that's what you guys do when you get excited, right? Don't tell me I'm alone in this, Hollywood) of Free Donkey Poster: The Movie: Rise of the Predator: The Movie.  This can be shortened to Ghost 2 if you want to make money.  Whatever, it's your choice, Hollywood, I'm not here to tell you how to do your job.

ANYWAY, on to the movie.

[SCENE: Lounge area of a small private aircraft, ME (played my me) is surrounded by girls of various ethnicities (read: white girls with different colored hair.  Except red - that shit is gross).  The big-breasted girls (I did mention they were big-breasted, right? Try to stay with me, Hollywood), are serving me cocaine in one of those plastic scoopers that you use in the candy stores at the mall, and I am eating it by the mouthful (Hollywood, let me be perfectly honest...I...I don't actually know how to use cocaine, but I know the kids love it, and it will play big in the major cities.  You may want to do some research for this scene so it seems more authentic). 

So I'm eating the cocaine and leering seductively at the girls, when all of a sudden the plane lurches to the side (maybe you could do this by shaking/tilting the camera? Shit, I don't know, just throwing that out there - its your project).  

GIRLS: Oh no!  The pilot has had a heart attack, what do we do?

ME: (scowling fiercely) Girls, do be quiet.  It's time for my thinking.  Also, you had no way of knowing the cause of the violent motion we just suffered, as the cockpit door is closed (dear Hollywood - where is the backspace button?  This would probably flow more smoothly if I could find that.)

[Cut to SCENE of me kicking in the cockpit door, and throwing the pilot's body out the window.

ME: Sir, you must remain seated until the plane has come to a full and complete stop (cue laugh track - you do have those in movies, right?)

[SCENE: ME, chewing thoughtfully on cocaine, while expertly piloting the plane into the woods, where it explodes. We give the audience time to be worried that I might be dead, before showing me coming out of the fiery wreckage with some scorch marks but otherwise fine.  Also, I'm shirtless and totally shredded (muscular).  Look, I don't know how you do this, Hollywood, but you can do it for me.  Please note that I'm completely lazy and can't be bothered to actually exercise, so maybe you just give me one of those pills like you gave to Brad Pitt in Fight Club thanks Hollywood.)

So, totally ripped and sexily-fire-stained, ME looks around with one of those bad-ass, squinty-eye stares, spits out the rest of the cocaine, and says:

ME: "Welpers, looks like I'll be living in these here woods for the rest of my life."

AUDIENCE: "Awwwww...."    

[cut to MONTAGE of me building things out of trees and plants and whatnot.  In fact, save yourself some money and just splice in that scene from Predator where everyone is building those traps to catch a predator (wait, is that what that show is about?  I need to start watching that), and Apollo Creed and Schwarzenegger are all muscly  and shirtless and (pant, pant)...sorry, where was I? RIGHT, the woods.  Anyway, FADE TO BLACK and then cut to a SCENE in which a dude in a helicopter is looking over some woods and points to a clearing and speaks over his helmet radio:

HOLLYWOOD: Put us down there!

Yes, you have a part in this move, Hollywood!  We are doing this together, and I never forget a friend,  You scratch my back, and I scratch yours, you know what I'm sayin'?

[Cut to SCENE of HOLLYWOOD looking around at the sweet camp that I made, but where am I? HOLLYWOOD shrugs and walks into the woods, the camera follows him over his shoulder as he pushes aside a palm frond to reveal....ME, punching the shit out of a bear.  And this isn't like a Koala bear, which isn't a bear at all but a marsupial, but like a big fucking Black Bear...or Brown...whichever is bigger.  And I'm not just punching it, I'm having like a full-on Tony Jaa fight on it, culminating in ME hitting the bear with the double knee piledriver ON HIS BEAR (BARE? HAH!) TESTICLES.

AUDIENCE: "Awwww...some"

[HOLLYWOOD applauds , and I lift my arms in victory.]

Note to Hollywood: use a guy in a bear suit for this scene - I'm actually sucky at fighting, and don't want to get all mauled-up. Also, I pretty much stole this plot from Hatchet, but I think you can say 'based on the novel Hatchet by 
Gary Paulsen' and save yourself legal blushes.   Also as a bonus, many people will go see it because they will think since it is based on a book, it must be an intellectual movie WRONG AND WRONG.

Please send my check in a big-ass deniomination, care of FDP.