Free Writing Seminar!
December 23, 2009One of the things one is often told about writing is that one should limit the amount of
curse-words one uses, or if possible, eliminate them entirely. This is cunt-shitting bullshit. I can scientifically prove this (USING SCIENCE) by taking a piece of writing that is expressly designed to be effective without using curse-words, and make it immeasurably better by the judicious addition of a few 'fucks', 'shits', and 'piss-artist's.
The book I refer to, of course, is The Best of Good Clean Jokes, by Bob 'piss-artist' Philips, published in 1989 by Honest (whore) House Publishers in Eugene (wh)Oregon. The book is helpfully organized alphabetically by topic, so that seemingly any topic you would ever want to make a joke about is contained in its pages. Already, some notable exceptions are found: for every useful topic like 'Bad News' or 'Bank', there are absences for humorous joke topics such as 'Baby Rape' or 'Fourth Miscarriage' or 'Mormons'. These would be more useful in my life, although I cannot say for certain if they would benefit yours.
However, that is not here (although it may be there), so let us move on to the first clean...joke...conveniently under 'Aches and Pains', and see how some old-fashioned filth can help this sparkling disaster.
Aches and Pains
I've got some many aches and pains that if a new one comes today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.
Analysis: uhh...what? Am I missing something, or is the humor in this joke that the speaker has so many aches and pains that if a new one came, he would have to send it to the rear of a virtual discomfort queue to be dealt with at a later date? Oh, the absurdity of it - that isn't how aches and pains work at all!
So as the editor of this book, do you see this as an especially strong opener? You do realize, do you not, that many readers will pick this book up from the 'All books on this table 25¢' table, flip it open to the 'jokes' and this will be the first one they read. And don't tell me you had to go with this one because of your strict adherence to the arbitrary alphabetical system you decided on, theoretical editor. You could easily file this under 'Pain', and promote a better joke by swapping one of the nouns in the better joke to 'Aardvark' (or abscessed asshole! Oh wait, clean jokes, got it).
But, the purpose of this exercise was to make a piece of writing better by adding cussin', so I will curse my foul luck at being given this abortion of a joke to fix, and get to work.
Aches and Pains (changes in regular type)
I've got so many acres of penis, that it has become nigh impossible to actually fornicate, which is for the best, since I have a fucking furrie foot-rape fetish. Piss-artist.
Hmm, I should probably learn where the backspace button is - that joke came out all wrong, and possibly even worse than the original. The real tragedy is that I'm still not sure my expletive-laden shitstorm is any worse than the original 'clean' 'joke' - let's call it a draw and pick a new, random 'joke' from the 'book'.
False
Q. What do you call the last teeth to appear in the mouth?
A. False
Analysis: this should be under 'Teeth', not 'False'.
Improved with cursing!
Teeth
Q. What do you call the last teeth to appear in the mouth?
A. My dick (teeth)
Old Timer
You are an old-timer if you remember when a baby-sitter was called Mother.
Analysis: sexist.
Improved with balls!
Old Timer
You are an old-timer if you remember when you didn't have to pay for field-hands. Also, I fucked your mother (although I thought of my old baby-sitter the whole time).
I'm not sure I want to delve any deeper into the Lovecraftian madness that is the Best of Good Clean Jokes. I'm starting to get angry, which means I'm cursing more in my writing, which makes it come out more angry than funny. And that is the lesson for today: you really shouldn't curse in your writing, because you come across as bitter and slightly insane (and also out of shape...and pistachios....WHAT THE HELL). Anyway, if you want to be a better writer, take it from our friend "Biscuit Balls" Bob Philips,
If you think no evil, see no evil, and hear no evil, the chances are that you'll never write a best-selling novel.
Fuck you Bob, I spit blood at your mother's twat.
Posted by bobkerolls.
