Between shifts of sending out free donkey posters to the lucky inhabitants of this planet, we here at FDP sub-headquarters (East Coast) occasionally take drugs.  It was during one of these monotonous drug-binges that we asked bobkerolls, our senior street correspondent, to provide a one or two sentence description of each drug he had consumed.  This is purely for recreational and educational purposes so that the children, convicted Mormons, and other non-drug users will understand the drug-using experience without all of the babble usually associated with drugs. 

What each drug I have taken feels like,
by bobkerolls

Cocaine: I feel like a choo-choo train.

Marijuana: I feel a little silly in my pants.

Mushrooms: The fire has become pixelated.

LSD: The fucking walls are in 3-D, and my eyeballs are not working correctly, godammit.

PCP: I think I want to do snow angels on the hood of this running car to stop the fucking voices in my heads and to stop my skin from becoming unbalanced.

Prescription painkillers: There is an invisible pillow between me and everything.  Also, I want to pass out in the back of a car listening to trance music.  Upon reading those sentences, I see now why people think drug users are douchebags.

Alcohol: Fuck you.

Speed: I'm going to decide whether my teeth or eyes are more jittery my teeth are hurting my eyes are too jittery GODAMMIT.

I have decided that in the interests of SCIENCE, I will attempt to take all the drugs, so that readers at home or at work can live vicariously through my bleeding gums and neck.

10:05.  I have taken one tab of acid, and eaten two mushrooms (stems and caps).  Unlike certain ladies I know (Editor's note: bobkerolls knows no ladies, we are pretty sure he meant to type 'ladles', of which he owns several) who get sick from eating mushrooms, I can down them like moldy popcorn.

10:07.  Finished taking three shots of Jameson, and chugged a beer, maybe threw up in my mouth a little.  No worries, the PCP laced joint will have me squared away in no time.  No effects yet, except my heart is beating really fast and my mouth tastes like some girls I've kissed at 3AM.

10:14.   One line of coke, one Vicodin, some weird pill that I've been told is speed (I'm almost certain its just a super caffeine pill), and another beer to wash down the Vics.  The rest will need to be transcribed.

10:20. Stop asking me if I feel anything, I just feel a little sick is all.

10:25.  I am going to fuck everyone in this room, and take...cover.  Free money!

10:30.  I am at war with my house.  It makes a move, I make a move...checkmate motherfucker.  Someone get me out of this fucking place, I need to breathe.  Where is my coat - its cold outside and I'm going to be gone a long, long time.

10:34.  My only hope is the trees, my only salvation the sky.  My lower body feels like it's attempting mutiny - I'll punch my legs into submission!

10:45.  9/10 of everything is bullshit.  I am the Arbiter of Truth, I am the Ghost Horse, I am the all-knowing all-seeing dog liver of Justice,  dear god please make my feet come back, I love them very much.

11:00.  (crying uncontrollably)

11:12.  I think everything has worn off, I am a giant tongue.  I can feel nothing but taste.

12:00.  Maybe District 9 wasn't such a bad movie, maybe I misjudged it.  OH GOD THE DRUGS HAVE CHANGED MY BRAIN.

2:20.  I have now eaten a whole cheese pizza with hot sauce, and drank a six-pack of Bud Heavies.  I threw up what looked a little like black mucus, but its all good.  At least I remembered that District 9 sucked - I am back to being human again.

After a few days of recovery, I have come back to type this manuscript and make all the necessary spelling corrections and remove the 3-page non-rhyming poem that I wrote about gas stations.  All in all, I think it was a success.  To sum up, taking lots of simultaneous drugs is like being asleep - lots of weird dreams that you only half-remember later, you are never comfortable, and in the morning the sunlight hurts your eyes.  I...I may have different sleep experiences than anyone else though.