Valentine's Day Special
Posted by bobkerolls on Tuesday, February 16, 2010
We here at FDP value your romance. That is why we have waited until after the Day of Valentine's to produce our nearly yearly Pre-First Annual Valentine's Day Special (now with more bonus fruit).
Realizing, as we all did, the momentousness of the situation, the FDP writer's room was very quiet today, as all one of our writers thought extra fucking hard about how to express all the love that we feel for you cocksuckers. And then it hit us like a ghost sliding through gauze - Clarence Carter!
That's right - the man who brought us Strokin', the American classic devoted to the finer points of amour. Where was his love? You see, he has been delighting couples from their wedding bed to their death's bed for over thirty years. Yet, all we do is take - when do we give back to the man who gave us so much love?
No worries, that's what WE are here for (unlike you shiftless amateurs). I mean, Clarence had questions - questions he wanted answered, and no one ever bothered (except by lovemaking, which is not the answer to everything, despite what your irresponsible parents have told you).
So let's go now, and through the magic of COMPACT DISCS have a little repartee with CC:
[PLAY button]
[The song begins, and Clarence sings about his advanced lovemaking techniques, and the various directions that he thrusts his pelvis in. Then he begins to get philosophical]
Clarence Carter: Let me ask you somethin'....
[PAUSE button]
FDP: We would be delighted to answer any and all questions that thou might have, Mr. Carter, do go on. Do not let us interrupt you, but rather, pour forth all the questions you have been meaning to ask. Questions, perhaps, that one might usually save for a meeting with one's maker. For you see, Clarence (may we call you Clarence? I'm sure it's fine, right?), we are all-knowingish, and way less completely-made-up than your no-doubt pagan god. Anyway, proceed.
[PLAY button]
CC: What time of day do you like to make love?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: Wow. Thank you for asking about us, Claire (may we call you thatANYWAY moving on), most people we interview just continue to walk by, a very select few actually answer our questions, and you are the very first person to ask a question about us - about how we feel, and our interests. It...it brings a tear to the eye, I'll reckon...not mine, but many of our readers, I'm sure (shakes fist threateningly)...wait, where was I...oh yes...what time of day do I like to make love...what time of day...I guess...evening? Although that's not really a time of day, is it? Wait - wait - don't quote me on that...I want to change my answer...I'm going with mid-morning...or...is this a trick? Like, should I say "all day" to prove my randiness? Um...hang on...I got it - my final answer is "From when I wake up to when I lay my head down, that's when I feel like laying pipe" - or is that a euphemism for pooping? Fuck - I blew it - stupid! Stupid!
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love just before breakfast?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: At 3PM? Who would make love then? A man's gotta eat, Care Bear, basic needs, you know? Anyway, I would worry about jizz in my food and whatnot. Especially if I was having a bowl of uncooked egg whites for breakfast, like I normally do.
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love while you watched the late, late show?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: With Craig Ferguson? Do you mean actually watching that while making love, or just making love while it's on? Because if you were watching it - that...that would kind of be like making love to Craig Ferguson, right? Am I right about that?
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love on a couch?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: Whoa, slow down there Kama Sutra Boy. On a couch? Yes, and I've used a bed before too - look out world. Don't suppose you'd like to answer any of our questions, now, would you?
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love on the back seat of a car?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: What are you, Fucking Dr. Seuss? No, Clare-Cart, I've never made love in a box, with a fox, or while being sat on by a goddamn elephant, either. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so interested in my love life? To be perfectly honest with you, I didn't even know what this song was about until my thirtieth birthday, when the woman with the large Adam's Apple finally indoctrinated me into the World of Love (the ride at the fair is correctly named in its honor). So maybe I haven't done all these exotic things that you have, C-lence, I'm still the king of the bedroom!! I'LL SHOW YOU ABOUT MAKING LOVE!!!
[Editor's note: The remaining part of this transcript is meaningless babble and sobbing - we apologize for anyone at home, making love]
Realizing, as we all did, the momentousness of the situation, the FDP writer's room was very quiet today, as all one of our writers thought extra fucking hard about how to express all the love that we feel for you cocksuckers. And then it hit us like a ghost sliding through gauze - Clarence Carter!
That's right - the man who brought us Strokin', the American classic devoted to the finer points of amour. Where was his love? You see, he has been delighting couples from their wedding bed to their death's bed for over thirty years. Yet, all we do is take - when do we give back to the man who gave us so much love?
No worries, that's what WE are here for (unlike you shiftless amateurs). I mean, Clarence had questions - questions he wanted answered, and no one ever bothered (except by lovemaking, which is not the answer to everything, despite what your irresponsible parents have told you).
So let's go now, and through the magic of COMPACT DISCS have a little repartee with CC:
[PLAY button]
[The song begins, and Clarence sings about his advanced lovemaking techniques, and the various directions that he thrusts his pelvis in. Then he begins to get philosophical]
Clarence Carter: Let me ask you somethin'....
[PAUSE button]
FDP: We would be delighted to answer any and all questions that thou might have, Mr. Carter, do go on. Do not let us interrupt you, but rather, pour forth all the questions you have been meaning to ask. Questions, perhaps, that one might usually save for a meeting with one's maker. For you see, Clarence (may we call you Clarence? I'm sure it's fine, right?), we are all-knowingish, and way less completely-made-up than your no-doubt pagan god. Anyway, proceed.
[PLAY button]
CC: What time of day do you like to make love?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: Wow. Thank you for asking about us, Claire (may we call you thatANYWAY moving on), most people we interview just continue to walk by, a very select few actually answer our questions, and you are the very first person to ask a question about us - about how we feel, and our interests. It...it brings a tear to the eye, I'll reckon...not mine, but many of our readers, I'm sure (shakes fist threateningly)...wait, where was I...oh yes...what time of day do I like to make love...what time of day...I guess...evening? Although that's not really a time of day, is it? Wait - wait - don't quote me on that...I want to change my answer...I'm going with mid-morning...or...is this a trick? Like, should I say "all day" to prove my randiness? Um...hang on...I got it - my final answer is "From when I wake up to when I lay my head down, that's when I feel like laying pipe" - or is that a euphemism for pooping? Fuck - I blew it - stupid! Stupid!
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love just before breakfast?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: At 3PM? Who would make love then? A man's gotta eat, Care Bear, basic needs, you know? Anyway, I would worry about jizz in my food and whatnot. Especially if I was having a bowl of uncooked egg whites for breakfast, like I normally do.
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love while you watched the late, late show?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: With Craig Ferguson? Do you mean actually watching that while making love, or just making love while it's on? Because if you were watching it - that...that would kind of be like making love to Craig Ferguson, right? Am I right about that?
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love on a couch?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: Whoa, slow down there Kama Sutra Boy. On a couch? Yes, and I've used a bed before too - look out world. Don't suppose you'd like to answer any of our questions, now, would you?
[PLAY button]
CC: Have you ever made love on the back seat of a car?
[PAUSE button]
FDP: What are you, Fucking Dr. Seuss? No, Clare-Cart, I've never made love in a box, with a fox, or while being sat on by a goddamn elephant, either. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you so interested in my love life? To be perfectly honest with you, I didn't even know what this song was about until my thirtieth birthday, when the woman with the large Adam's Apple finally indoctrinated me into the World of Love (the ride at the fair is correctly named in its honor). So maybe I haven't done all these exotic things that you have, C-lence, I'm still the king of the bedroom!! I'LL SHOW YOU ABOUT MAKING LOVE!!!
[Editor's note: The remaining part of this transcript is meaningless babble and sobbing - we apologize for anyone at home, making love]
Tags: clarence carter was and is blind
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